1997–2000 Manuscript Diaries of a Lesbian Mother Confronting Sobriety, Shame, and the Search for Self in Late-Twentieth-Century Florida

On offer is a pair of diaries belonging to a middle-aged mother who began keeping a journal in order to write her way through her feelings surrounding her identity as a lesbian. Through her writing, she also explores her struggles with multiple addictions and the impact her challenges have on her school-aged child, who would sadly die only six months after her final entry.

Anonymized but complete biographical information on our author is available in the BIO NOTES at the end of the listing. The author of this diary is identified by name within both volumes; however, her name and all information that identifies her family are being withheld from public listing out of respect for her many immediate living family members. A de-anonymized biography will be provided privately to serious buyers for research and provenance purposes.

Our author is 41-years-old when she begins writing in 1997 and going on 43 when she makes her last entry in March of 2000. She titles her first diary “Volume One” and begins it on February 21, 1997. She keeps it until Friday, June 6, 1997, writing near-daily and only on the right side of every page. In her first entry she lays out her purpose for journaling:

“This book is…about who I am in this moment….Mostly it is about sexuality, mine, once lost and now found. It is about being a lesbian, feeling wonderful about it and feel so relieved I can’t believe it” [Feb 21, 1997].

Our author is educated, intelligent and hopeful. She struggles with self-acceptance, loneliness, her sexual identity, parenting a child who exhibited extremely challenging behaviours, multiple addictions and mysteries from her past. While she is never explicit about her past, we know she has a history of substance use and financial issues, as well as challenges with her father and older brother. It is also implied that she had previously taken advantage of family members and possibly even stolen from them.

Throughout the diaries, one thing is clear: this author is a person who wants to live up to her potential, be a good mother, stay sober, and be in control of her own life. She attends Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings. She also attends the First Steps of Sarasota in their Choices program, she goes to therapy and reflects that which she learns in her diary as she tries to understand her pain. Some excerpts from “Volume One” illustrate the tone of her entries:

“…I went to a gay dance in Venice with Sharon tonight and I cried all the way home. Am I grieving over old loss or making change or being afraid…I think that I’m afraid of being alone…unloved…insignificant. I guess I’ve always felt that way. Why so much more now? I feel so much more peaceful so why do I still feel this incredible emptiness inside…I have always sought attention through my behaviours…it’s been physical – hurting myself, getting sick and now it’s through food deprivation and through spending money…maybe I’m sad because I’m afraid that even if I change all the behaviours the emptiness will never go away…” [April 25, 1997].

“…I went to a gay AA meeting after group tonight which would have been good but I cried all the way through it. I’m not sure why I’m doing that these days…I need to be thankful more often…I could start [with my son]..and the family…” [April 14, 1997].

“…I did have a huge fight with Dad. He wants $400 a month, he told me he should be paid first, that I was ruining his credit, and that I had lied to him. I was really angry…I felt good that I did stand up for myself I went running after argument and that helped…I went to my Choices meeting…First Step. I love that meeting. I always come away feeling so good. 2 women asked me to sponsor them…I feel good about my sobriety” [April 17, 1997].

Despite her constant writing about wanting to overcome her demons and feel comfortable in her own skin, our author’s optimism of that first entry is repeatedly challenged. Some excerpts:

“…I spent more time alone this weekend and I was okay with that - really enjoyed going to Barnes & Noble and looking @ the Lesbian books. Went to church alone, Church of Religious Science….told [multiple friends] I'm a lesbian. The women were very accepting, John didn’t say anything…” [March 3, 1997].

 “Right now I feel extremely anxious because of our living situation - I do not feel safe because our landlord has asked us to leave and we have not left. Tomorrow is my interview about [a healthcare institution job] - I really want this job. I feel as though things are beginning to turn…around…Thank you Lord for one more day and thank you for helping me to let go of my anger about the family” [March 11, 1997].

“Thank you for this day, God…[my son] and I had one of our more and more frequent fights. I did not handle myself well at all…I got very angry and...slapped him…have to learn…to step. back and not be afraid of making and keeping rules. I felt so horrible” [April 10, 1997].

“...I had a terrible day I got reprimanded at work for 3 medication errors… I feel as though I’m not climbing out of this hole fast enough. I was furious with [my son] when I got home and found that [he] had not come home…” [April 15 ,1997]

 “…I…applied for a new job…It’s ‘lingerie modeling’ which I think now is sort of ‘clean prostitution’. I want to make a lot of money and that’s all!...I want this job so I can pay off all my bills…send [my son] to camp, get the Volvo fixed…”  [April 21, 1997]

“…today I was ‘terminated’ from [healthcare institution] for not correcting medication errors….I wasn’t careful enough…I don’t feel scared [just] sad and pretty worthless as though everything I’ve thought about myself…is true” [April 23, 1997]

The first diary ends on a relatively hopeful note.

“…I’ve been afraid to write because I’m clearly at the end of the book and…I’ve been incredibly depressed. I feel a little better – I think the Prozac is working…With the exception of the loneliness and the bulimia, I’m doing better…I want to start going back to meetings…I think going to that gay dance scared me…I think it’s connected to my not going to meetings – that fear of intimacy thing…” [June 6, 1997].

When we meet our author again in her second diary, begun September 1, 1999, her struggles are the same, but her child is older and in trouble with the law, financial strain becomes a more prominent and frequent concern, she’s unable to hold down a job, housing is insecure, and, while she discusses her sexuality less frequently in Diary #2, it remains an undercurrent. Initially, she is staying sober with the help of her sponsor, about whom she writes almost obsessively, until October 5^th, when she begins drinking again. Some excerpts give the sense of her lived experience as the millennium looms:

“We have just returned from the police station where [my son] was arrested on 3 felony counts and 3 misdemeanors and there are at least $6000 worth of charges. It was absolutely horrible. [My sponsor and her husband] came with us, Thank God!...I’m thrilled that at least the arrest part is over…” [Sept 1, 1999].

“…I went to [healthcare facility] for my orientation and now I’m ready to work. I’m grateful to God for opportunities” [Sept 9].

“…I cancelled two orientations today and my shame feels really big…” [Sept 13]

“…I went to see [a therapist] this morning. I liked her. I was pretty honest with her except about my sexuality…I told her that I was recovering for my anorexia and bulimia – I’m not really…[my son] and I will go together next week…” [Sept 18].

“…Tomorrow we have an appointment at the Department of Juvenile Justice – it scares me to death…My son is a criminal…some of my goals: Plant a garden, make my house pretty…go back to school, get my master’s, write a book, find a lover” [Sept 30].

“…I went back out as they say in the program. I started at [now closed down mental health hospital] today. I’m quite excited about it…the benefits are by far the best I’ve ever had. I feel okay. My alcoholism has reared its ugly head” [Oct 5].

“I think much of my self hatred and feeling of worthlessness is tied up with [my older brother]…Why doesn’t it just heal? After all I’m 42 now Why does it hurt so much?” [Oct 16].

 “..The landlord is threatening to evict us if I don’t pay by tomorrow. The water has been shut off for a week now and I’m supposed to pay [my son’s] lawyer $1,000 tomorrow. I have 3 cigarettes and not enough gas to get to work tomorrow…Thank you God! I got gas and [my son] gave me half a pack of cigarettes. While that itself makes me feel awful, desperation is desperation!” [Nov 4].

The next day her landlord has begun the eviction process, and on November 19 she moves in to her parents’ house with her son and states she is “grateful to be sober”. After a long and disappointing house hunt and – judging by the nature of her writing -  intermittent sobriety, she and her son move to Arcadia, Florida on December 31, 1999, and she writes:

“…The millennium did not end well with the family as Dad was drunk and very belligerent with [my son]. I did not say a word while Dad was yelling at [my son]…at some point I want to talk to my father about his drinking…I am thrilled to be sober!...”.

“…I’m so disgusted with myself. A week ago today I got $1,000 now it’s all gone! When will I ever change. I feel stupid, worthless, useless” [Jan 17, 2000].

“..we went to Sarasota. I went to Rose Group which was about the First Step – for the second night in a row. I picked up my blue chip for 90 days. It was a great meeting…” [Jan 25].

“…We talked about the topic at the Rose Group being sex and Valentine’s Day and how I couldn’t change it because I didn’t want that woman’s feelings – her feelings mattered while mine didn’t…I need to matter!” [Feb 19].

 “…For me money is a lot like alcohol – I am obsessed with it. I think about it constantly. When I have it I am happy when I don’t I am miserable…” [March 26].

Her final entry is on March 30, 2000. An excerpt:

“Lord, please help me to feel better about myself. Please help me to remember that I am loved. Please help me to pay the bills” [March 30].

While we do know through historical records that our author was eventually married to a woman (who was a proud member of the sober living community) and lived into her early 60s, we also know things likely didn't get much easier. Her son would sadly die less than six months after she made her final diary entry, and her financial issues remained for many years. 

Taken together, these diaries offer an unvarnished view of midlife lesbian identity formation at the edge of the twentieth century—where spirituality, motherhood, and addiction recovery intersect. They are especially valuable for their articulation of lesbian self-definition outside urban or academic milieus, documenting the therapeutic and communal spaces (AA meetings, religious-based groups, women’s recovery programs) through which one woman sought meaning, dignity, and love. Together, the volumes stand as a rare primary-source record of working-class lesbian experience, sobriety culture, and maternal resilience in the years preceding the new millennium.

BIO NOTES (ANONYMIZED):

The female author of these diaries was born in the mid-1950s. The daughter of a New Jersey businessman and a mother who was on her second marriage, she grew up in an upper-middle-class household with two older half-siblings from her mother’s first marriage, and one older brother.

She was raised in New Jersey before her parents’ relocation to Florida in the mid-1970s, which occurred while she was away at college. She graduated from a respected northeastern university in the late 19070s. She was clearly a highly respected and busy member of the student body, being President of the Student Alumni Association and a member of a society known as AMW —the university’s highest non-academic honorary society, offering invitations to female students of “exemplary character, excellence in service to the University and community…honor, dignity, willingness to accept responsibility, responsible leadership, and potential for continued contributions to the University.”

She gave birth to a son in the late 1980s while still living in Maine. He died tragically at age 13, shortly after her second diary concludes, in a loss that shadows her later writings. Professionally, she appears to have worked in nursing and lived most of her adult life in Florida, later settling in the northeastern United States. She identified herself as lesbian in early 1997 and ultimately married a woman active in the sober-living community who served as a sponsor to others in recovery. The author died in the late 2010s.