1855 Diary of a 21-Year-Old Student at Fairfield Academy, Herkimer County, New York: A Profound Spiritual Self-Examination Suggestive of Repressed Desire and Inner Conflict

On offer is the diary of a 21-year-old Rodman, New York man who chronicles his tortured semester living and studying on campus at Fairfield Academy in Herkimer County before returning home and ultimately boarding a fishing vessel for the summer—his entries filled with self-hatred, longing, and a consuming desire to fulfill the expectations of his family, faith, and society.

Our author, Milo S. Boynton (1833–1857), was the son of prominent Rodman settlers Jonathan and Maria (Kinney) Boynton. Living and working on the Boynton farm, he was sent to study at Fairfield Academy (then often styled Fairfield Collegiate Institute) at the age of twenty-one.

Through his diary, Milo reveals a life of unrelenting spiritual struggle. He writes daily of temptation, failure, and renewed vows to “live wholly to the Lord.” Although he never explicitly names the nature of his sins, his language of crisis (“the Enemy of my soul,” “a hell upon Earth,” and “deliver me from this hellish influence”) points to a profound internal conflict that, to modern readers, suggests the torment of forbidden desire.

A previous researcher has proposed that Boynton may have been struggling with his sexuality; while this cannot be confirmed, the intensity of his guilt and the recurring theme of unnameable temptation render such a reading plausible. Read within the moral vocabulary of antebellum Protestantism, the diary becomes both a religious testimony and a coded account of longing, self-repression, and shame.

As many do, Boynton begins the new year and semester with goals and hope:

“I find myself in Fairfield Collegiate Institute pondering over the Sciences of Mental Philosophy and Geometry and Grammar. The day has been a very fine one. I have made the Resolution to live this year wholly to the Lord. Although this day seems to be a bad beginning. I am determined to impose my time better in future. Studying has not gone first rate with me. The Evening has been dull. I have had some thoughts of Home” [Jan. 1, 1855].

By the very next day, we glimpse a man already judging himself harshly and fighting unseen impulses:

“...My studise [sic] went rather hard my mind was penetrating but not interested. The Enemy has had more control over me than I should have allowed still strongly determined to keep my resolution. Attended my private division in Declination and Composition…Went to bed feeling not the best” [Jan. 2, 1855].

“...I saw that there was a crisis at hand. For the Enemy of my soul had wrestled hard with me and had for some time had the advantage but thank the Lord that through his mercy I was enabled to cast my care upon him. I was enabled to see where the Enemy had laid his snare….” [Jan. 3, 1855].

“I felt very free in our Prayer meeting this afternoon; but for all of this I am not what I ought to be I do not love God as I should do not feel thankful as I should. At the meeting this evening I fear I was desirous to Please man more than God. O may the Lord deliver me from this evil heart. I know the way but it seems that I have become indifferent to God that he can not give me his glorious seal of Love. Here is a crisis I cannot get along with my studies without I have peace of mind and I have lost my zeal for the study O I must exorcise Faith in Christ Here Lord I give myself away it is all that I can do…” [Feb. 18, 1855]

Boynton’s anguish alternates with the everyday rhythms of seminary life—lectures, prayer meetings, illness among students, and conversations with classmates and ministers.

“I rose at ten minutes before four o clock. I got my lesson in Geometry without trouble spent the time as usual until seven oclock then walked out with Chum, had a pleasant walk…called on Mr. Chamberlain who is sick with the Fever, his case is not very promising. There are about twenty cases of sickness in the Academy…” [Jan. 3, 1855].

“Was awakened this morning Br. Cheeseman who came to prayer meeting it was not Late however…This forenoon Br. Vandercook preached…1st referred to the Children of Israel. Spoke of them wandering from God….Spoke of sins separating men from God, instance, Adam. Man from his fellow man…” [Feb. 11, 1855].

“...Quite a talk with Br. Yeomans and Cheeseman on the subject of holiness. And in particular reference to myself…I was not at that moment saved from all Sin. Told them some of my experience. Had quite a talk with Pr. Ferry on the same subject…” [Mar. 12, 1855].

The diary offers a vivid glimpse into Fairfield Academy’s student life and moral climate: rising before dawn, strict rules, public prayer, and constant peer surveillance.

“...Tomorrow will seal my destiny in Geometry I suppose. I feel that I am [too] indifferent to the Lord for his great mercy.” [Mar. 15, 1855].

“...My chum has decided to go home so I am to be left alone, once more. Received Letter from Harrison to night have been writing one to Harriet. The evening has passed…my Lesson this day in moral science was upon Prayer, Geometry, Com Book 6th, Latin…” [Feb. 23, 1855].

“I did not wake up this morning until 20 minutes to 7…I shall have to take a black mark. I have had a clear head so that my recitations have not been so bad…Br. Spencer called [at] noon to get the chance of Chumming with me….One of the rooms of the North Building caught fire this morning, did not do much damage…” [Feb. 26, 1855].

As spring approaches, Milo wrestles with whether to stay or return home. His indecision, and dependence on male mentors for moral counsel—suggests both spiritual and emotional dependency.

“...Received a letter from Melvin requesting me to come [home?]...Talked with Br. Van Patten and Br. Van-k and prayed…feel it of importance to write more ideas which I hear…Presby-Church as a preparation for our work…what a smart converted young Lady can do…” [Mar. 16].

“...wrote a letter to Melvin stating my intentions to stay in this place an other Term. Consulted Br. Stebbins upon the subject advised me not to stay…spent an hour writing Compo. Called to Mr. Rayners….At our Prayer Meeting this afternoon had a severe conflict with the adversary…I must spend more time meditating upon my future…” [Mar. 17].

Ultimately, he departs Fairfield in April 1855. His farewell to classmates is full of affection, restraint, and moral anxiety—tones familiar to scholars of 19th-century male friendship and its often-unspoken undercurrents of love.

“...Spent most of the afternoon in arranging my room and Packing my trunk…Have had some social converse with Br. Van-K and Br. Yeomans…The Principal was rather imprudent. Heard some very entertaining Declinations. The best Speakers were…Ingerson, Stebbins, Johnson, and Niskem. Br. Johnson staid with me overnight” [Apr. 3, 1855].

“...my preparations were soon made for my departure, I could not feel that I was leaving so many friends never to see them again on the Shores of Time…I left Fairfield…in an open sleigh in company with Mrs. E. Blackstone, M. Turner…Mas Williams and Br. Yeomans and Mr. Plant. We went to Little Falls…At Addams I bid Br. Yeomans farewell, may the good Lord ever be with him…” [Apr. 4].

Returning home, he quickly plans to ship aboard the John Simmons fishing vessel:

“Made a call to Mr. O’Tassetts before breakfast was again permitted to bow around the family. After it seemed much different from before I left it. Made a call to Uncle Abner, H and also to Mr. J. Fassetts, was advised to take a trip on the Ocean” [Apr. 6].

“...wrote letter to Br. Vandercook informing him of my intentions to take a trip upon the watter…Went over to Charles Boyntons to get information concerning father’s cousin in Boston…” [Apr. 9].

“This day I shipped aboard of the John Simmons. Spent the day…helping fit up the ship. I wrote a letter to Br Vandercook and sent one to my Father. I weigh 126 pounds. I thank God for the peace of mind which I enjoy…Where shall I be in 5 months. O Lord bless me for Christ sake. Amen” [May 3].

On his final night ashore, Milo again voices the guilt of pleasure, couched in the language of sin and deliverance:

“...I have bid farewell to [? name] for the next 4.5 months at last. Shall I ever forget this night. O what will poor human nature stoop to a hell upon Earth. O Lord grant to deliver me from this hellish influence. Oh that I loved the Lord none. I commit myself into his hands. I will strive to live more faithful by his grace…” [May 7].

He sails from Provincetown on May 11. His later entries, fewer and more pragmatic, still echo the same duality of discipline and despair:

“...Another week has passed of my existence with all of its hardships. I have laid aside fishing for the purpose of giving my hands time to get well. The whole number of fish we have taken is 7337. I have caught 385. My health looks very prosperous but how little thankfulness is drawn out of my heart for it how unfaithful am I” [June 3].

Returning from the expedition in October, 1855, it is clear that Milo S. Boynton has not run away from his problems but is the same man he was when he departed:“Land ho! Which proved to be a fact I had anticipated it so much that it did not meet my expectations”.

His last entry of May 18, 1856, written after rereading his own diary, closes with resolve and melancholy:

“...by the grace of God I hope to spend no more time in lamenting past sins…But I feel to resolve in the strength of God through Christ that…I will strive to do the present duty and trust the rest with the Lord. O Lord forbid I wander as…in a year to come if my life is spared as I have in the past year…keep me in the way for thy sons sake. Amen!”

Milo Boynton died less than a year later, on March 28, 1857, at only twenty-three. His diary stands as both a spiritual testimony and an interior portrait of a young man caught between devotion, self-doubt, and a yearning he could not name. To a modern reader, it invites sensitive reflection on how mid-19th-century moral and gender codes shaped the ways inner life could or could not be spoken.

Condition: Overall Good. Significant chipping to the leather spine, some loosening of the string binding, and an old watermark along the edges, but the writing is very legible and the book is well-preserved.

BIO NOTES:

Fairfield Academy and Seminary: Founded in 1802 and incorporated in 1803, Fairfield Academy in Herkimer County, New York, evolved from a classical preparatory school into a co-educational seminary reflecting broader 19th-century educational reform. In 1839 its trustees reorganized it as the Fairfield Seminary, legally comprising both a Classical Academy and a Female Collegiate Institute—language marking its broadened curriculum and inclusion of women (Syracuse University Libraries, n.d.). By the mid-1850s, “Fairfield Collegiate Institute” signified the same institution under its reformed charter, emphasizing co-education and professional teacher training aligned with antebellum reform movements (Herbst, 1989).

Milo S. Boynton (Oct. 28, 1833 – Mar. 28, 1857) was one of approximately nine children born to Jonathan Boynton (1795–1883) and Maria Kinney Boynton (1800–1841), among Rodman’s earliest Methodist Episcopal settlers. In 1829 Jonathan Boynton was elected trustee of the first Methodist Episcopal Church in Rodman. Milo’s siblings included Lester, Harriet, Harrison, Elonzo, Martha, Emma, Jeanette, and Austin.